Bonus banned? Reprice the base. The oldest comp trade in the book
Regulator bans performance pay at polluting water companies. Wessex Water response: reprice the base salary +14% to £670,000, total comp £791,000, and disclose — with a straight face — that the adjustment brings remuneration 'closer to market benchmarks'. The benchmark being other water companies doing the same thing. Circular benchmarking: infinite yield, zero sewage treated.
Anglian's structure is even cleaner: £500,000 'retention payment' from the PARENT company, technically not a bonus because it's not linked to performance — which, given the performance, is the most honest labelling in the sector. Shareholders pay, allegedly. Shareholders who own the company that bills the customers. Follow the pipe.
The monopoly context is what makes it art: customers can't switch, bills are rising 21% over five years, and the asset is literally the rain. This is the only industry on Earth where the commodity falls from the sky free and the margin still needs help.
Ofwat now promises disclosure of parent-company payments, i.e. the regulator has discovered the org chart. Long galoshes, short trust, and if anyone offers you a retention payment for staying somewhere you already work: take it, that's real. NFA.