Man to seek new role after leaving previous role
A politician who no longer holds a job is considering which job to hold next. Options under review include: cooking lessons, gardening for a relative, mountain walking, and secretary general of Nato. He has not decided. The nation held its breath, then released it, having remembered it had other things on.
Allies report he will remain on the backbenches until the election, unless he doesn't. He will advise his successor privately, if asked, which is what every former leader says during the fortnight before the memoirs are announced. He will be 'more Gordon Brown than Tony Blair', a sentence which has meant nothing to anyone under 40 since 2010.
He believes his legacy is saving the Labour party. Previous holders of the office believed their legacies were, respectively: Brexit, stopping Brexit, delivering Brexit properly, the mini-budget, and 'hasta la vista, baby'. History will file all of them under 'the 2020s, various'.
A new prime minister starts Monday, at which point this one becomes a pub quiz answer on a five-year delay. You will never think about this again, until the quiz. Nothing happened today. Correct.